I’m on the balcony of our small home. It’s nearly midnight, and the lights of Los Angeles are splayed out before me, serene and tense all at once; the gorgeous pulse of humanity lies there twinkling, grinding, dragged endlessly forward by the constant turning of the world. I have a tumbler of whiskey next to me, and I’m smoking a bowl of mid-shelf pot, while my gorgeous dogs laze across the outdoor rug, wound around my feet. Their soft snoring adds to the sound of my beloveds low chuckle as he reads from one of his books, a perpetual sight in our home. He looks up, sees me watching, and reads aloud three or four witty sentences, his rich voice melting into the perfect night. The air is warm and salty, like our love, like California.
I afraid that my house might be haunted… and, that’s not the creepy part.
I think my poltergeist is hitting on me.
It was little stuff at first, like just randomly phallic objects levitating.
But, now, my walls are running with lube,
And I wake up to the strangest moaning every night.
Everyone wants their resume to stand head and shoulders above the crowd, but that’s not always an easily accomplished feat! There are several crucial things you should take into consideration when building an impressive resume, including; legibility, relevance, and concise content, to name a few! It’s also important to take the Works Wizard Paperclip into account, as his ruthlessly violent side-quests have felled many a brave slob. No, you do NOT need help. Do NOT take his favors, as the payment on them is steep, and his vengeance merciless. This will be your only warning.
Here are some helpful tips to help make your resume shine brighter than the rest!
1. Pick a clear, legible font in a reasonable size. Decorative is fun, but this is not the place to show off your deep devotion to Curls MT or Papyrus.
2. Just pick one font, Gabby. You don’t need a new one for each line. That’s nauseating, and you’re gross.
3. Use exciting language! You didn’t ‘do the inventory’ you ‘captained a fleet of office supplies.’
4. Bullet points are key! Quite a few hiring managers are afraid of long sentences, especially from women.
5. The longer the word, the more it belongs in your resume, so crack open that thesaurus and start bedazzling!
6. Make sure the information you present is relevant. Your prospective employer doesn’t need to know about your severe alcoholism… yet.
7. Be extremely cautious when padding your resume, often it’s like adding a sock to your crotch. In the long run, it’s embarrassing for everyone.
8. Use spellcheck. Your spelling is an abomination.
9. Do NOT make eye contact with the Works Wizard Paperclip. I cannot stress this strongly enough. He is a treacherous villain, and you want nothing to do with him.
10. Pick a nice paper to print out your resume. Remember, just like when interviewing for the job, the whiter it appears, the better!
Now that you’ve crafted the perfect resume, all that’s left is to apply to numerous soul-crushing corporate entities that will steal the profits of your labor and render you near-penniless for the privilege of slaving for an old white man and his favorite logo. Good luck getting health-care!
Next time on 10 Tips: The Best Places to Sleep While Waiting for Government Aid
Luke Maurer was born in 1987, to a loving set of parents. His mum, a gleaming bottle of anxiety pills, and his doting dad, an entire loaf of Wonder-brand white milk bread, have always been extremely proud of their little Snowflake.
I don’t call Luke a Snowflake because he’s particularly left, I say it because he’s nearly translucent in complexion.
He was raised as a Quaker, on a farm (I assume). He met his first girlfriend at a barn-raising when he was 14. (And, boy, could she raise more than a barn! Am I right?!?! Wink, wink… Why did I write this part?!?)
Annnnywhhoooo - One day, as he was rolling his hula-hoop down the dirt road near his farm he thought, “There must be more to life than this!” So, he put on his best Sunday clothes, packed up his good handkerchief and scythe and marched himself to the ‘big city;’ Eugene, Oregon.
Dream big, kiddo.
Luke gets his name from the Biblical historian, the one who authored the life of Christ in a dickens-esque tedium of detail. Which is EXACTLY what they say about Maurer’s dissertation.
Luke Maurer is so white… That he looks like he’s been freshly carved out of Styrofoam.
If you ever get tired of Comedy, you can always parley that look into 1/4 of a decently accurate Barbershop Quartet.
Luke has been an incredible friend, and a constant regular in the Eugene scene, which is odd, since he’s best known for looking like an extra off the set of West Side Story.
When you’re a jet, you’re a jet all the way?
Luke is so anal… He’s so anal, I’d think that were his sexual fetish, if I didn’t know FOR SURE that his sexual fetish is really going to be over-analyzing everything said here tonight. Over and over and over and over…
Luke almost always has a look of horror and confusion on his face, as though his soul is the reincarnated violinist from the Titanic.
Luke is always a bit uptight, a bit reserved… let’s call him ‘Socially British.’ I want to tell him to ‘throw caution to the wind,’ but I know that’s just going to lead to a million questions about the direction and strength of the wind, the current temperature and atmospheric pressure and overall climate patterns… :::Blow Out Brains:::
I love you dearly. SO much, in fact, that I forgive you for asking me if fucking a fat girl is like fucking a normal girl. And, for anyone that is wondering, the answer is, “No. Fucking a fat girl is MUCH better than fucking a normal girl. You know we swallow, ‘cause PROTEIN, duh. AND you know we’re getting breakfast after.
So, please join me in wishing Dr. Luke Maurer all the luck, adventure, pleasure, nonsense, and general debauchery he can stand. Never look back.
So, you want to start ‘doing Comedy…’
Begin by writing three to five minutes of original jokes. Five minutes of material is about two-and-a-half typed pages. If you don’t quite make five minutes, that’s a good thing, it leaves room for laughs (think optimistically). Take the jokes to a mic. Rinse and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.
Every mic is different.
Watch a couple before you sign up if you’re nervous about the timing or host, or just want to get a feel for the room. There’s no shame in watching open mics, other than the shame attached to watching Comedy open mics. Know the rules of the room and adhere to them. Don’t burn the light. Tip at least a dollar on all drinks, even the comped ones. Respect designated smoking and parking areas. Go to all the mics, try every kind of joke, any kind of Comedy you’re drawn to. It’s an experiment: ‘What do people think is funny?’
You can’t sell what you don’t have.
Write good jokes. There are awesome writing groups that can help you with structure, timing, intent, and twist, but you can only tell jokes that you’ve written, so, write good jokes.
Know your jokes. Perform the jokes until you dream them. You have to know the jokes to be able to work them. Tell the jokes in front of every audience, from packed to non-existent.
Don’t take a booking until you’re ready. Usually wait until the later half of your first year. Some people are ‘naturals.’ Most aren’t. Regardless, everyone needs to learn the nuance of working with an audience, and you only get that with experience.
Don’t steal material.
10 minutes is the average for an opening set, it’s a long time to fail publicly.
For the first year that you’re ‘doing Comedy’ you should be working on a good 10 minutes of material. That’s all. The whole first year, craft a memorable, hilarious, not-to-be-missed, 10-minute set of funny things you’re dying to say. At the end of the year, take that 10 minutes, cut it to the leanest, meanest 5 minutes ever, get a good audience and tape that set. It may take a few tapings to get a good one, but it’s worth the trouble. That’s the five minute video you send with festival applications and to showcase bookers. Then get head-shots and set up a Comedy page on the social media platform(s) of your choice, write a short bio. Congrats. You now ‘do Comedy.’
Work hard. Love the grind.
I don’t really know anything else…
Jake is a difficult man to embarrass.
As is evidenced by his Instagram feed… And, again by his fiancee’s instagram feed.
Is anyone else worried that he might be single-white-female-ing Amanda?
Breslauer has the voice for radio, and a face… also for radio, and the heart of a 19-year-old Instagram Girl.
If you look at Jake, one of the first things you’ll assume is that he’s often worked in a deli, because that information is just visually available.
Jake studied at a School of Bafoonery, making him a well-educated clown and seasoned performer; most commonly known as ‘hey, bartender.’
Jake used to work at a ‘pirate bar.’ That’s the whole burn.
Jake just began writing a blog. In 2019. So, I’m betting his ‘Zine is just about to hit stands.
I love how you play EVERY character on Portlandia.
Cleaned shit out of a sink at work.
He’s marrying Amanda Martin-Tully, and she can make tacos, and drink wine, and totally get some from literally every male comedian in Portland… and, so can Jake.
It must be rough to be the sidekick of such an amazing woman. And, I’m sure that’s why you’re always trying to fill her shoes. By wearing her shoes.
He’s clearly been styled by the Brawny logo and the blue ox, Babe.
I secretly love Jake. In fact, when it finally does happen, I vow to find the witch that turned you into Papa Smurf, and change you back.
Did you get conned into making dinner for your albatross of a family yet again? We’ve got six easy tips for making sure that even the easiest meal is heaped with a smothering of shame, just like Mom used to serve!
1. Make sure they know how long this project took. “Dinner doesn’t just appear by magic.” Say this with a sigh and repeatedly, as you roll out the pre-made dough into a vague circle. Really work up a sweat rolling the dough out, and make sure to get flour absolutely everywhere. If you’re not wearing it, you’ll lose credibility.
2. If you can cry tears of self-pity into the sauce, it adds to the salt flavor. Your marinara isn’t the same without the sadness of at least one broken-hearted woman. If you can get Grandma to weep, those tears are by far the most flavorful.
3. The quality of the cheese is important, so make sure that you’re ready to bear this kind of financial burden for your family. In Italy, they often will give up a family member as opposed to lowering the quality of the cheese used in the main meal. (Make sure to look each family member in the eye, as you slowly repeat this fact. Let them feel you weighing your choices.)
4. If you purchased toppings, make sure to keep an itemized count of who ate which. Splitting the check for the entire party is easier when you know how many pepperonis your jerk of a son picked off his slice and discarded under the dinner table. They’re 17 cents each, Kevin, you douchebag. I know you’re six, but Jesus.
5. When slicing the pie always run your finger over with the slicer, just enough to bleed slightly. This lets your family know that you’re willing to get down and dirty for their well-being. It also reminds them that you’re willing to cut people if the dinner dishes take too long.
6. Make sure to layer the guilt in the pizza. Not unlike lasagna, you’ll need to support the unending nagging with a good foundation of self-loathing and low self-esteem. This insures that even when you’re physically absent your ongoing mental abuse will perpetuate on in the psyche of your loved ones!
When you book a date with me, I show up, showered and shaved, 10 minutes early.
That’s just how I was raised. My dad was former Navy.
So, I’ll shave for twenty minutes for a date. Arms, legs, pits, anything that had been tattooed has to be shaved and lotioned. That’s just my life.
I had a date, so I got ready. And, I thought this guy was something… We’d been flirting and sexting. I totally thought this was going to happen. So, I did my due diligence and shaved the rest of my areas, too. I’m not kidding. It took 45 minutes. I shaved for 45 minutes to eat tacos with a guy that I was never going to sleep with. It’s crazy!
And, now, it itches so bad that I'm white knuckling it, trying not to drag my taint across the carpet like a dog with worms.
INT: Small sedan, night.
Thomas: That was really great. Meeting you, obviously, but, also the food.
Ginny: I think I ate too much nonsense, ugh. It was almost TOO good. Thank you.
Thomas: I’d definitely go back, the Carne was amazing.
Ginny: Totally. I love Mexican food.
Thomas: I liked watching you love Mexican food.
Ginny: Yeah? Turning you on?
Thomas: I’ve been thinking about it. Off and on.
Ginny: Off and on?
Thomas: Yeah… What kind of things turn you off and on? More on, though. Just on.
Ginny: I’m into some crazy stuff.
Thomas: Really? What kind of stuff?
Ginny: I think I’d have to know you better.
Thomas: I’ll go first. I’ll tell you one of my secret sex things, and you can tell me one of yours.
Ginny: I don’t know.
Thomas: No, I have something. So, I watch a lot of porn.
Ginny: Don’t we all…
Thomas: Really? We all do?
Ginny: It’s 2019, admitting to liking porn is like admitting to liking pizza.
Thomas: Fine, I can see that. Have you ever kissed a girl?
Ginny: One time, in college. Tastes like chicken.
Thomas: Tastes like chicken. I see. So, it wasn’t for you?
Ginny: I always thought I was straight until I saw Ghostbusters 3 with Kate McKinnon licking her side piece. I’ve never wanted to be a gun so badly. I think I watched that GIF most of the summer.
Thomas: They made a GIF of that?
Ginny: I can make things.
Thomas: So, you’ve never been with a woman?
Ginny: No, but for that one, I’d sure try. Have you ever been with a man?
Thomas: No, but I’ve seen gay porn.
Ginny: I’ve never seen gay porn. Lesbain porn, yes. Did you find it compelling?
Thomas: Yeah, I actually beat it to the movie.
Ginny: Did you cum?
Thomas: Of course I came. But, then I felt massively guilty about it.
Ginny: Christian upbringing?
What kind of porn do you watch?
Ginny: I’m a bit more out there than you are.
Thomas: How do you know?
Ginny: I’m just a bit out there for everything…
Ginny: I like casting couch videos.
Thomas: Really? With the douchey guy?
Thomas: Why? Because of the way he directs her around and tells her what to do?
Ginny: No, I like that there’s no job.
Thomas: You like that?
Ginny: Yeah, some of them are staged, absolutely, but some of them are just some girl trying to make a couple grand on her back.
Thomas: Really? That’s what does it? The scam?
Ginny: Yes. The loss of innocence. Thinking about it makes me cum.
Ginny: Because I’m jealous of them. They possess something I’ll never have. A beautiful body, ripe and camera-ready for porn. And, then they walk into a room and do crazy, naked things on tape with a man they just met for the prospect of money.
Thomas: And, you like that.
Ginny: Not about myself, but that’s why it makes me cum. It’s the horror and beauty of a broken vase, a murdered duck. They’re killing something, I mean, it’s dead already, on tape. But, yeah. That’s what I jerk it to.
Romance is hard, and incest only makes it more complex. We’ve compiled a list of 10 ways to make the transition from girlfriend back to just sibling easier for the whole family!
1. BE SURE TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD (In front of Mom & Dad, at least!)
You’ll need them on your side if it gets so ugly that one of you needs to move out. Make sure they see you being the calm, responsible sibling/former partner.
2. SET BOUNDARIES EARLY
Especially if you share a bedroom. Remember: Hot breakups sex with your ex is only going to muddy these already murky waters. Maybe ask her to move to the garage or basement. You’ll need your space to deal with the newfound relationship.
3. LABEL YOUR FOOD
This Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food is NOT to ease her anguish. Don’t let her negative bullshit and thievery keep you from healing. It’s not even like she likes Phish Food. She’s a Cherry Garcia girl, and everyone knows that.
4. DEFINE YOUR HOLIDAYS
Make sure you mark your parents and other family members now! You don’t want to get into a scheduling war. Maybe reserve her birthday, too. If it’s getting petty.
5. FILE FOR CUSTODY EARLY
That sick sister had her brother’s kids. She’s clearly unfit to raise them!
6. DON’T BE AFRAID TO STOOP (If you have to!)
When necessary, fight fire with fire, or use her toothbrush to exfoliate and bleach your anus. A lighter butthole is a happy butthole, after all!
7. ACT BLISSFULLY HAPPY
Nothing drives your ex crazier than seeing you happier than you’ve ever been, before. Maybe look for love with a cousin or aunt? Get on out there and flirt it up!
8. KEEP YOUR DISTANCE
If the breakup is really getting ugly, you might think about applying for that salmon cannery job you’ve had your eye on. Or, report her to the INS. She has it coming!
9. DON’T FOCUS ON VENGEANCE
Never forget that living well is the best revenge! If you can’t do that, look for a spot next to a well. Access to clean water is no joking matter. It’ll save your life.
10. GET CREATIVE
Arson? Jazz flute? The possibilities are endless! Get out there and make your post-sister dreams happen! Nothing can stop you now!