Hey, all you fabulous Gen X-ers! Get a load of this!
Do you fondly remember all the fun of the 90’s sitcom, “The Nanny,” starring cultural touchstone, Fran Drescher?!?! She’s that lovable, shrieking siren infamously fired from a dress shop, only to become the live-in love and muse of the incredibly wealthy - and totally gorgeous - Mr. Sheffield! Well, now, you can relive all that nostalgic fun in a totally awesome, new way!
Introducing: “The Nanny: The Video Game!
(Shots of people playing on Xbox, their phone, an iPhone on the bus).
“Look out for that slut, Cei Cie!”
“Thwart all of Niles’ bullshit mischief! Why is he such a cock-blocker?”
Noise from the TV:
Fran Drescher’s bleating laugh, repeated three times.
Winking Mom Haircut:
“Seduce Mr. Sheffield while making sure that Maggie gets to the school formal!”
”Aaannnd, super, extra bonus points if she’s not wearing tan!”
“Get her into something RED!”
:::90’s arched-eyebrow, eye-contact maneuver.:::
Sure to be an instant family classic!
The flashy girl from Flushing, now fun for the family!
Fran Drescher: Bleating.
I miss those old Time Life infomercials for mix tapes of songs from yester-year.
Announcer Voice: DON’T MISS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A PIECE OF MUSICAL HISTORY! THIS EPIC, 9-DISC COLLECTION INCLUDES SMASH HITS SUCH AS:
(40s Ladie's Vocals):
A kiss on the clit can be quite continental,
But, dildos are a girl’s best friend.
Some head would be grand, but it can’t pay the rental on your porn hub fee-
Why do you like to see girls pee?
Announcer: AND!!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT THIS TIMELESS CLASSIC:
Wheeeere the boys are,
I’ll be on my knees-
Wet lips apart,
Gag reflex off,
Dying to blow you, tenderly…
Announcer: ALL YOUR FAMILY FAVORITES! HITS ENJOYED ACROSS THE GENERATIONS, LIKE THE ALWAYS BELOVED:
I’ll be touching you in all the moist, familiar places,
That this cunt of mine embraces,
Fuck me, too…
Annnouncer: ALL THIS AND MORE CAN BE YOURS FOR JUST 16 EASY PAYMENTS OF $39.95 PER MONTH PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING! ORDER NOW!!!
The day I got banned from Tinder began as any other day.
I woke up, masturbated in a futile attempt at serotonin production, made my bed, checked my messages:
Random white guy in my inbox.
He names a date, time, and location for us to "meet up to see if there’s chemistry, WINK."
So, I said, “sounds fun... But, just to make sure, you are politically left, of course? My profile does specify that, and I always have to check.”
He says, “I don’t see why that matters, we’re just talking about a hook up here.”
“Yeah, but I can’t blow a Trumper, I’m half Mexican, it’s a whole thing.”
“That’s so fucked up that you'd say that! I’m going to report you for hate speech.”
“It’s not hate speech not to fuck you.”
I went about my life for a while, and the next time I tried to log into Tinder, it told me I was banned.
That’s it. The whole thing.
I mean, it was bound to happen, at some point, I’m genuinely antagonistic of the politically right. The only issue I really take is that it’s NOT hate speech to refuse to fuck someone who won’t vote for your basic rights. It’s actually an act of self-preservation to only copulate with people who back your personhood. It’s survival of the fittest, really; the free market has spoken, and it’s said, ‘no,’ and also, ‘go fuck yourself.’
I don’t mind so much, really. I’m getting too old for Tinder, anyhow, and I’m kinda’ relieved to shuffle off and take my sad, gray vagina elsewhere. It’s not the end of my pathetic carousing, I promise, but… it IS the end of an era. And, it would be remiss not to pay homage to a platform which has given me so much entertainment, even if the orgasms were few and far between.
So, it is with great sadness that I bid adieu to the “men” of Tinder.
You weren’t sexually satisfying, but you were absolutely hysterical.
I’m on the balcony of our small home. It’s nearly midnight, and the lights of Los Angeles are splayed out before me, serene and tense all at once; the gorgeous pulse of humanity lies there twinkling, grinding, dragged endlessly forward by the constant turning of the world. I have a tumbler of whiskey next to me, and I’m smoking a bowl of mid-shelf pot, while my gorgeous dogs laze across the outdoor rug, wound around my feet. Their soft snoring adds to the sound of my beloveds low chuckle as he reads from one of his books, a perpetual sight in our home. He looks up, sees me watching, and reads aloud three or four witty sentences, his rich voice melting into the perfect night. The air is warm and salty, like our love, like California.
I afraid that my house might be haunted… and, that’s not the creepy part.
I think my poltergeist is hitting on me.
It was little stuff at first, like just randomly phallic objects levitating.
But, now, my walls are running with lube,
And I wake up to the strangest moaning every night.
Everyone wants their resume to stand head and shoulders above the crowd, but that’s not always an easily accomplished feat! There are several crucial things you should take into consideration when building an impressive resume, including; legibility, relevance, and concise content, to name a few! It’s also important to take the Works Wizard Paperclip into account, as his ruthlessly violent side-quests have felled many a brave slob. No, you do NOT need help. Do NOT take his favors, as the payment on them is steep, and his vengeance merciless. This will be your only warning.
Here are some helpful tips to help make your resume shine brighter than the rest!
1. Pick a clear, legible font in a reasonable size. Decorative is fun, but this is not the place to show off your deep devotion to Curls MT or Papyrus.
2. Just pick one font, Gabby. You don’t need a new one for each line. That’s nauseating, and you’re gross.
3. Use exciting language! You didn’t ‘do the inventory’ you ‘captained a fleet of office supplies.’
4. Bullet points are key! Quite a few hiring managers are afraid of long sentences, especially from women.
5. The longer the word, the more it belongs in your resume, so crack open that thesaurus and start bedazzling!
6. Make sure the information you present is relevant. Your prospective employer doesn’t need to know about your severe alcoholism… yet.
7. Be extremely cautious when padding your resume, often it’s like adding a sock to your crotch. In the long run, it’s embarrassing for everyone.
8. Use spellcheck. Your spelling is an abomination.
9. Do NOT make eye contact with the Works Wizard Paperclip. I cannot stress this strongly enough. He is a treacherous villain, and you want nothing to do with him.
10. Pick a nice paper to print out your resume. Remember, just like when interviewing for the job, the whiter it appears, the better!
Now that you’ve crafted the perfect resume, all that’s left is to apply to numerous soul-crushing corporate entities that will steal the profits of your labor and render you near-penniless for the privilege of slaving for an old white man and his favorite logo. Good luck getting health-care!
Next time on 10 Tips: The Best Places to Sleep While Waiting for Government Aid
Luke Maurer was born in 1987, to a loving set of parents. His mum, a gleaming bottle of anxiety pills, and his doting dad, an entire loaf of Wonder-brand white milk bread, have always been extremely proud of their little Snowflake.
I don’t call Luke a Snowflake because he’s particularly left, I say it because he’s nearly translucent in complexion.
He was raised as a Quaker, on a farm (I assume). He met his first girlfriend at a barn-raising when he was 14. (And, boy, could she raise more than a barn! Am I right?!?! Wink, wink… Why did I write this part?!?)
Annnnywhhoooo - One day, as he was rolling his hula-hoop down the dirt road near his farm he thought, “There must be more to life than this!” So, he put on his best Sunday clothes, packed up his good handkerchief and scythe and marched himself to the ‘big city;’ Eugene, Oregon.
Dream big, kiddo.
Luke gets his name from the Biblical historian, the one who authored the life of Christ in a dickens-esque tedium of detail. Which is EXACTLY what they say about Maurer’s dissertation.
Luke Maurer is so white… That he looks like he’s been freshly carved out of Styrofoam.
If you ever get tired of Comedy, you can always parley that look into 1/4 of a decently accurate Barbershop Quartet.
Luke has been an incredible friend, and a constant regular in the Eugene scene, which is odd, since he’s best known for looking like an extra off the set of West Side Story.
When you’re a jet, you’re a jet all the way?
Luke is so anal… He’s so anal, I’d think that were his sexual fetish, if I didn’t know FOR SURE that his sexual fetish is really going to be over-analyzing everything said here tonight. Over and over and over and over…
Luke almost always has a look of horror and confusion on his face, as though his soul is the reincarnated violinist from the Titanic.
Luke is always a bit uptight, a bit reserved… let’s call him ‘Socially British.’ I want to tell him to ‘throw caution to the wind,’ but I know that’s just going to lead to a million questions about the direction and strength of the wind, the current temperature and atmospheric pressure and overall climate patterns… :::Blow Out Brains:::
I love you dearly. SO much, in fact, that I forgive you for asking me if fucking a fat girl is like fucking a normal girl. And, for anyone that is wondering, the answer is, “No. Fucking a fat girl is MUCH better than fucking a normal girl. You know we swallow, ‘cause PROTEIN, duh. AND you know we’re getting breakfast after.
So, please join me in wishing Dr. Luke Maurer all the luck, adventure, pleasure, nonsense, and general debauchery he can stand. Never look back.
So, you want to start ‘doing Comedy…’
Begin by writing three to five minutes of original jokes. Five minutes of material is about two-and-a-half typed pages. If you don’t quite make five minutes, that’s a good thing, it leaves room for laughs (think optimistically). Take the jokes to a mic. Rinse and repeat, and repeat, and repeat.
Every mic is different.
Watch a couple before you sign up if you’re nervous about the timing or host, or just want to get a feel for the room. There’s no shame in watching open mics, other than the shame attached to watching Comedy open mics. Know the rules of the room and adhere to them. Don’t burn the light. Tip at least a dollar on all drinks, even the comped ones. Respect designated smoking and parking areas. Go to all the mics, try every kind of joke, any kind of Comedy you’re drawn to. It’s an experiment: ‘What do people think is funny?’
You can’t sell what you don’t have.
Write good jokes. There are awesome writing groups that can help you with structure, timing, intent, and twist, but you can only tell jokes that you’ve written, so, write good jokes.
Know your jokes. Perform the jokes until you dream them. You have to know the jokes to be able to work them. Tell the jokes in front of every audience, from packed to non-existent.
Don’t take a booking until you’re ready. Usually wait until the later half of your first year. Some people are ‘naturals.’ Most aren’t. Regardless, everyone needs to learn the nuance of working with an audience, and you only get that with experience.
Don’t steal material.
10 minutes is the average for an opening set, it’s a long time to fail publicly.
For the first year that you’re ‘doing Comedy’ you should be working on a good 10 minutes of material. That’s all. The whole first year, craft a memorable, hilarious, not-to-be-missed, 10-minute set of funny things you’re dying to say. At the end of the year, take that 10 minutes, cut it to the leanest, meanest 5 minutes ever, get a good audience and tape that set. It may take a few tapings to get a good one, but it’s worth the trouble. That’s the five minute video you send with festival applications and to showcase bookers. Then get head-shots and set up a Comedy page on the social media platform(s) of your choice, write a short bio. Congrats. You now ‘do Comedy.’
Work hard. Love the grind.
I don’t really know anything else…
Jake is a difficult man to embarrass.
As is evidenced by his Instagram feed… And, again by his fiancee’s instagram feed.
Is anyone else worried that he might be single-white-female-ing Amanda?
Breslauer has the voice for radio, and a face… also for radio, and the heart of a 19-year-old Instagram Girl.
If you look at Jake, one of the first things you’ll assume is that he’s often worked in a deli, because that information is just visually available.
Jake studied at a School of Bafoonery, making him a well-educated clown and seasoned performer; most commonly known as ‘hey, bartender.’
Jake used to work at a ‘pirate bar.’ That’s the whole burn.
Jake just began writing a blog. In 2019. So, I’m betting his ‘Zine is just about to hit stands.
I love how you play EVERY character on Portlandia.
Cleaned shit out of a sink at work.
He’s marrying Amanda Martin-Tully, and she can make tacos, and drink wine, and totally get some from literally every male comedian in Portland… and, so can Jake.
It must be rough to be the sidekick of such an amazing woman. And, I’m sure that’s why you’re always trying to fill her shoes. By wearing her shoes.
He’s clearly been styled by the Brawny logo and the blue ox, Babe.
I secretly love Jake. In fact, when it finally does happen, I vow to find the witch that turned you into Papa Smurf, and change you back.
Did you get conned into making dinner for your albatross of a family yet again? We’ve got six easy tips for making sure that even the easiest meal is heaped with a smothering of shame, just like Mom used to serve!
1. Make sure they know how long this project took. “Dinner doesn’t just appear by magic.” Say this with a sigh and repeatedly, as you roll out the pre-made dough into a vague circle. Really work up a sweat rolling the dough out, and make sure to get flour absolutely everywhere. If you’re not wearing it, you’ll lose credibility.
2. If you can cry tears of self-pity into the sauce, it adds to the salt flavor. Your marinara isn’t the same without the sadness of at least one broken-hearted woman. If you can get Grandma to weep, those tears are by far the most flavorful.
3. The quality of the cheese is important, so make sure that you’re ready to bear this kind of financial burden for your family. In Italy, they often will give up a family member as opposed to lowering the quality of the cheese used in the main meal. (Make sure to look each family member in the eye, as you slowly repeat this fact. Let them feel you weighing your choices.)
4. If you purchased toppings, make sure to keep an itemized count of who ate which. Splitting the check for the entire party is easier when you know how many pepperonis your jerk of a son picked off his slice and discarded under the dinner table. They’re 17 cents each, Kevin, you douchebag. I know you’re six, but Jesus.
5. When slicing the pie always run your finger over with the slicer, just enough to bleed slightly. This lets your family know that you’re willing to get down and dirty for their well-being. It also reminds them that you’re willing to cut people if the dinner dishes take too long.
6. Make sure to layer the guilt in the pizza. Not unlike lasagna, you’ll need to support the unending nagging with a good foundation of self-loathing and low self-esteem. This ensures that even when you’re physically absent your ongoing mental abuse will perpetuate on in the psyche of your loved ones!