Everyone wants their resume to stand head and shoulders above the crowd, but that’s not always an easily accomplished feat! There are several crucial things you should take into consideration when building an impressive resume, including; legibility, relevance, and concise content, to name a few! It’s also important to take the Works Wizard Paperclip into account, as his ruthlessly violent side-quests have felled many a brave slob. No, you do NOT need help. Do NOT take his favors, as the payment on them is steep, and his vengeance merciless. This will be your only warning.
Here are some helpful tips to help make your resume shine brighter than the rest!
1. Pick a clear, legible font in a reasonable size. Decorative is fun, but this is not the place to show off your deep devotion to Curls MT or Papyrus.
2. Just pick one font, Gabby. You don’t need a new one for each line. That’s nauseating, and you’re gross.
3. Use exciting language! You didn’t ‘do the inventory’ you ‘captained a fleet of office supplies.’
4. Bullet points are key! Quite a few hiring managers are afraid of long sentences, especially from women.
5. The longer the word, the more it belongs in your resume, so crack open that thesaurus and start bedazzling!
6. Make sure the information you present is relevant. Your prospective employer doesn’t need to know about your severe alcoholism… yet.
7. Be extremely cautious when padding your resume, often it’s like adding a sock to your crotch. In the long run, it’s embarrassing for everyone.
8. Use spellcheck. Your spelling is an abomination.
9. Do NOT make eye contact with the Works Wizard Paperclip. I cannot stress this strongly enough. He is a treacherous villain, and you want nothing to do with him.
10. Pick a nice paper to print out your resume. Remember, just like when interviewing for the job, the whiter it appears, the better!
Now that you’ve crafted the perfect resume, all that’s left is to apply to numerous soul-crushing corporate entities that will steal the profits of your labor and render you near-penniless for the privilege of slaving for an old white man and his favorite logo. Good luck getting health-care!
Next time on 10 Tips: The Best Places to Sleep While Waiting for Government Aid
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Oregon-based stand-up comedian.