Hey, all you fabulous Gen X-ers! Get a load of this!
Do you fondly remember all the fun of the 90’s sitcom, “The Nanny,” starring cultural touchstone, Fran Drescher?!?! She’s that lovable, shrieking siren infamously fired from a dress shop, only to become the live-in love and muse of the incredibly wealthy - and totally gorgeous - Mr. Sheffield! Well, now, you can relive all that nostalgic fun in a totally awesome, new way!
Introducing: “The Nanny: The Video Game!
(Shots of people playing on Xbox, their phone, an iPhone on the bus).
“Look out for that slut, Cei Cie!”
“Thwart all of Niles’ bullshit mischief! Why is he such a cock-blocker?”
Noise from the TV:
Fran Drescher’s bleating laugh, repeated three times.
Winking Mom Haircut:
“Seduce Mr. Sheffield while making sure that Maggie gets to the school formal!”
”Aaannnd, super, extra bonus points if she’s not wearing tan!”
“Get her into something RED!”
:::90’s arched-eyebrow, eye-contact maneuver.:::
Sure to be an instant family classic!
The flashy girl from Flushing, now fun for the family!
Fran Drescher: Bleating.
I miss those old Time Life infomercials for mix tapes of songs from yester-year.
Announcer Voice: DON’T MISS YOUR CHANCE TO OWN A PIECE OF MUSICAL HISTORY! THIS EPIC, 9-DISC COLLECTION INCLUDES SMASH HITS SUCH AS:
(40s Ladie's Vocals):
A kiss on the clit can be quite continental,
But, dildos are a girl’s best friend.
Some head would be grand, but it can’t pay the rental on your porn hub fee-
Why do you like to see girls pee?
Announcer: AND!!! DON’T FORGET ABOUT THIS TIMELESS CLASSIC:
Wheeeere the boys are,
I’ll be on my knees-
Wet lips apart,
Gag reflex off,
Dying to blow you, tenderly…
Announcer: ALL YOUR FAMILY FAVORITES! HITS ENJOYED ACROSS THE GENERATIONS, LIKE THE ALWAYS BELOVED:
I’ll be touching you in all the moist, familiar places,
That this cunt of mine embraces,
Fuck me, too…
Annnouncer: ALL THIS AND MORE CAN BE YOURS FOR JUST 16 EASY PAYMENTS OF $39.95 PER MONTH PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING! ORDER NOW!!!
The day I got banned from Tinder began as any other day.
I woke up, masturbated in a futile attempt at serotonin production, made my bed, checked my messages:
Random white guy in my inbox.
He names a date, time, and location for us to "meet up to see if there’s chemistry, WINK."
So, I said, “sounds fun... But, just to make sure, you are politically left, of course? My profile does specify that, and I always have to check.”
He says, “I don’t see why that matters, we’re just talking about a hook up here.”
“Yeah, but I can’t blow a Trumper, I’m half Mexican, it’s a whole thing.”
“That’s so fucked up that you'd say that! I’m going to report you for hate speech.”
“It’s not hate speech not to fuck you.”
I went about my life for a while, and the next time I tried to log into Tinder, it told me I was banned.
That’s it. The whole thing.
I mean, it was bound to happen, at some point, I’m genuinely antagonistic of the politically right. The only issue I really take is that it’s NOT hate speech to refuse to fuck someone who won’t vote for your basic rights. It’s actually an act of self-preservation to only copulate with people who back your personhood. It’s survival of the fittest, really; the free market has spoken, and it’s said, ‘no,’ and also, ‘go fuck yourself.’
I don’t mind so much, really. I’m getting too old for Tinder, anyhow, and I’m kinda’ relieved to shuffle off and take my sad, gray vagina elsewhere. It’s not the end of my pathetic carousing, I promise, but… it IS the end of an era. And, it would be remiss not to pay homage to a platform which has given me so much entertainment, even if the orgasms were few and far between.
So, it is with great sadness that I bid adieu to the “men” of Tinder.
You weren’t sexually satisfying, but you were absolutely hysterical.