IF MEN GOT PERIOD​S
INT: MEN’S BATHROOM STALLS, ONE MAN IS ALREADY IN A STALL, ANOTHER MAN ENTERS THE SECOND STALL. YOU CAN HEAR THE FIRST MAN GETTING AN INSANE AMOUNT OF TOILET PAPER FROM THE ROLL.
 
Dylan: Everything okay in there?
 
Jack: Yeah. (More toilet paper unrolling). Fuck.
 
Dylan: You sure?
 
Jack: (Thick Southern accent.) I- uh… I just got my period. Do you have a tampon on you?
 
Dylan: Oh, bro, I got you! (reaches into the pocket of his Carhartt overalls and pulls out a mini tampon and passes it under the stall divider.)
 
Jack: (exhales thankfully) Dude, you rock! Thank you!
 
Dylan: No worries, Bro. It happens.
 
Jack: Can I buy you a beer or some nachos?
 
Dylan: Yeah, let’s get some nachos! But, only after you wash your hands! You fuckin’ bleeder.

Jack: I really dig your boots.
 
Dylan: Yeah, thanks… (dialogue trails out as they leave the bathroom)
 
FADE TO BLACK

INTERIOR: STUDIO, DAY 
​​CAMERA COMES INTO FOCUS ON A REGULAR LOOKING MALE CENTAUR WEARING A HEMP NECKLACE AND NOTHING ELSE.
 
BILL: You’ll tell me when it’s on?
 
CAMERA GUY: It’s on.
 
BILL: But, you’ll tell me when to start?
 
CAMERA GUY: I mean, you can start whenever you want. Do you want me to ask you questions?
 
BILL: No, I prepared something.
 
CAMERA GUY: Okay, whenever you’re ready.
 
BILL: (Nervously runs fingers through his hair, smiles nervously into the camera). Hello. I’m Bill. I’ve been in recovery for anorexia for three years now, and I just wanted to film this PSA to let anyone out there that might be struggling know that they’re not alone. Like, Lots of people have been where you are. You are not alone. I know how lonely it can feel sometimes, I was under 600 lbs, eating a quarter bale of hay a day, and running sixty miles. I mean, looked amazing, like an Aronofsky heroine, just a gorgeous neckline and huge eyes. But, if a guy like me can get caught up, then anyone can…
 
CAMERA GUY: Wait, aren’t you a centaur?
 
BILL: (Gestures to his very obviously nude, centaur body). Yeah, dude, I mean, you can SEE me, right?
 
CAMERA GUY: Yeah, but…
 
BILL: What else could I be?
 
CAMERA GUY: But, like… how many stomachs do you have?
 
BILL: Shut up, my dude. I’m trying to get through this.
 
CAMERA GUY: Are there a lot of centaurs that struggle with their body image?
 
BILL: I don’t know, but if I can help just ONE, that would be worth it.
 
CAMERA GUY: And, that is noble, but… you’re the only centaur I’ve ever seen.
 
BILL: (Exasperated) Is that a question?
 
CAMERA GUY: Have you ever seen another centaur?
 
BILL: No. But, that’s no reason not to be in peak condition when I do meet them! :::flexes totally average biceps:::
 
CAMERA GUY: Wait… What?!?
 
BILL: Yeah, it’s a lot of pressure. You’ve always got to be ready to save the species.
 
CAMERA GUY: I thought we were doing a piece on you being an actual centaur. I guess I’d never really thought about your body image.
 
BILL: Yeah, but, that’s a position of privilege, right there. I’m always worried when the time comes to save the species, I’ll be too heavy.
 
CAMERA GUY: Does a female centaur have a human pussy or a horse pussy?
 
BILL: :::scornfully::: You’re nasty.
 
CAMERA GUY: Does that mean you don’t know?
 
BILL: She has a horse pussy, dude. Duh.
 
CAMERA GUY: Duh? How do you know if you’ve never seen another centaur?
 
BILL: BECAUSE I HAVE A HORSE COCK, DUDE. :::Rubs temples::: Fuck. Whatever. I can’t do this now.
 
CAMERA GUY: I’m sorry. I’ll stop. I just got caught up in the moment.
 
BILL: Fine.
 
CAMERA GUY: It’s not often you meet a virgin centaur.
 
BILL: FUCK YOU, DUDE. FUCK YOU. I’m trying to do something nice here.
 
CAMERA GUY: Yeah, I have no idea what you're doing. This is a dating service.

BILL: Oh.
 

​INT: CASTLE TOWER, RAPUNZEL AT HER VANITY, OBVIOUSLY COMBING HER HAIR
 
FROM OUTSIDE THE WINDOW: Rapunzel, beautiful Rapunzel, let down your hair so that I might requite our love and ascend to thine lair.
 
Rapunzel runs to the window.
(Downwards, out window).
 
Rapunzel: Oh, brave knight! I will let down my hares for your pleasure. :::Throws rabbits out window:::
 
ON THE GROUND
Prince, looking up: What the hell?
:::Rabbits fall on his head:::
Beautiful Rapunzel? Let down your gorgeous mane, that I might conquer the distance between our beating veins!
 
IN THE CASTLE TOWER
Rapunzel: Goes to map, takes down glitter cutout of ‘Maine.’ Tosses it out the window with a baffled look on her face.
 
ON THE GROUND
Prince (dodging flying cardboard ‘Maine’ cutout):
 
Dearest Rapunzel, cast down thine wig, for my love is impatient, and and hard… and so… big (looks at his crotch, then deadpans the camera).
 
IN THE CASTLE TOWER
Rapunzel (to stage right): You heard him boys! (half a dozen WHIG members in full 19th century regalia run and jump out the window).
 
OFF STAGE: Screaming is heard, moaning, various cries of anguish as the WHIG party hits the ground.
 
ON THE GROUND
Prince (among the dead and dying):
Darling Rapunzel, do you not understand? I need you to lower your locks so I can take thine hand!
 
IN THE CASTLE TOWER
Rapunzel throws down master locks, a Club, some bike chains, and a small safe.
 
ON THE GROUND
Prince, looking much battered and bruised, looks at the camera:
You know, I hear Snow White is in this forest.
​