Savage Pizza Pie
Did you get conned into making dinner for your albatross of a family yet again? We’ve got six easy tips for making sure that even the easiest meal is heaped with a smothering of shame, just like Mom used to serve!
1. Make sure they know how long this project took. “Dinner doesn’t just appear by magic.” Say this with a sigh and repeatedly, as you roll out the pre-made dough into a vague circle. Really work up a sweat rolling the dough out, and make sure to get flour absolutely everywhere. If you’re not wearing it, you’ll lose credibility.
2. If you can cry tears of self-pity into the sauce, it adds to the salt flavor. Your marinara isn’t the same without the sadness of at least one broken-hearted woman. If you can get Grandma to weep, those tears are by far the most flavorful.
3. The quality of the cheese is important, so make sure that you’re ready to bear this kind of financial burden for your family. In Italy, they often will give up a family member as opposed to lowering the quality of the cheese used in the main meal. (Make sure to look each family member in the eye, as you slowly repeat this fact. Let them feel you weighing your choices.)
4. If you purchased toppings, make sure to keep an itemized count of who ate which. Splitting the check for the entire party is easier when you know how many pepperonis your jerk of a son picked off his slice and discarded under the dinner table. They’re 17 cents each, Kevin, you douchebag. I know you’re six, but Jesus.
5. When slicing the pie always run your finger over with the slicer, just enough to bleed slightly. This lets your family know that you’re willing to get down and dirty for their well-being. It also reminds them that you’re willing to cut people if the dinner dishes take too long.
6. Make sure to layer the guilt in the pizza. Not unlike lasagna, you’ll need to support the unending nagging with a good foundation of self-loathing and low self-esteem. This ensures that even when you’re physically absent your ongoing mental abuse will perpetuate on in the psyche of your loved ones!
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Oregon-based stand-up comedian.