Hey, gals! This month, I wanted to try something fresh and fun, so I bought a vintage Teddy Ruxpin, and upcycled it into a prison for a purely evil soul! Once he was completely subdued, I forced him to watch Kung Fu movies for over 1,000 hours straight, and compose an intense fight scene - using the democratic primary front-runners as the fighters - in order to regain his freedom, of course!
Here’s the super fun result:
EXTERIOR: THE SQUARE OF HAMU, A SMALL, CHINESE VILLAGE
BERNIE SANDERS: (Stands in strong bridge, handing out doctors to the poor). I can show you the path but I can not canvass it for you.
HE CHUCKS A DOCTOR AT ELIZABETH WARREN. IT WHIZZES PAST HER HEAD.
ELIZABETH WARREN: (Runs a mantis. It is the only mantis. Her eyes are lawyers). I have traveled this land in search of worthy foes, but I will settle for you.
AN ORPHAN SHOUTS FROM BEHIND, HE CONFRONTS THE OLD WOMAN. IT IS PETE BUTTIGIEG.
PETE BUTTIGIEG: A vote should be a REFLECTION of what IS inside, NOT the PROOF of it, hag!
HIS FISTS FLY, BUT SHE DEFLECTS WITH WILY NIMBLENESS.
ELIZABETH WARREN: (Back-flips to the foreground, gestures to approach and engage in combat). I have a dog in my phone bank!
SHE SHRIEKS AS HE APPROACHES, THEY EMBRACE IN A WHIRLWIND OF FU. WARREN FLIPS BUTTIGIEG OVER HER SHOULDER AND TO THE HARD GROUND. HE DISSOLVES.
JOE BIDEN: (To a wild chicken). Democracy is like eating. Some people like chicken, some duck, some like fish, some like meat, but I like all kinds of good food if it's edible!
SANDERS: You vote shit! You're like a garbage bin!
DEADLY NOODLE ATTACK ON BIDEN. HE USES THE CHICKEN TO SHIELD HIMSELF. HE STUMBLES BACKWARD.
WARREN ATTACKS BIDEN FROM BEHIND. QUICKLY, SHE SNAPS HIS NECK BACK. SHE SMELLS HIS HAIR.
ELIZABETH WARREN: Tell us where ANDREW YANG is!!!
BIDEN: (Whispering). In the mountains. HE DIES.
SANDERS AND WARREN JOIN HANDS AND STARE AT THE DISTANT MOUNTAIN RANGE.
Remember, ladies, if you’re trying this at home, it’s always important to grant the imprisoned soul release after their servitude. It’s just the right thing to do!
Check in next month when we discuss which essential oil is the best to use in your romantic entrapment potions!