One of my biggest pet peeves is that HRC isn’t going to be indicted by the FBI. Now, I know we don’t usually get political, but it really bothers me that she’s proud of that. But, I guess if you’re Clinton, lack of indictment and clean STD screenings are the kinds of things that make you proud.
And, I’ve brought home dubious honors before:
Guess who didn’t get arrested for that nude public intox? This gal!
I found that shoe I left at the bar last night?!
I finally paid off that tattoo!
But, I’m not running for president. Which, may be the problem. Because, I would like to see a female in the oval office for something more than fellatio-related meetings, and all my debauchery is widely recorded, typically, by me.
And, I do have some new ideas.
I’m not saying they’re any good, but they are new.
Because, I feel like we’ve been trying to make this Puritanical Christian thing work for almost 250 years, and I think it’s pretty safe to say… it’s not going well. I think we bit off more than we can chew, morally.
Like, how is the ‘no sex out of wedlock’ thing working for you guys?
‘Cause we’re making laws based on this being a principle for actual human behavior in 2016. If you don’t believe me, look at abstinence-only education and current contraceptive laws, which I think is problematic, since no one is living this Pleasantville-Molded-Plastic-Genitalia life.
We’d also see advancement of quite a bit of modern medicine, too.
Especially as exorcism of the devil doesn’t really seem to be working on genetic disorders, so if we could go ahead and use my eggs to fight my disease, I’d really appreciate it.
(ASIDE: It’s like I’m packing a toolbox that will totally fix the problem, but I’m not allowed to access it, or use any of the tools to save my own life, because your God said (NOT EVEN EXPLICITLY) that it was wrong. You think your God might be against it, so I’m just supposed to die slowly about it, because stem cells are an uncomfortable conversation?! That’s kinda’ bullshit. Christian MY ASS. How does that make God happy?)
So, instead of trying to make laws for the way we think people should behave, via the Christian Puritans, let’s try some Science-based Hedonism.
Just for a minute. Just the tip, see if we like the way it feels…
So, my idea is really two-fold:
Step one: We end hunger.
I think this is really a manageable stage. We’ll call it ‘everyone gets a sandwich.’
This seems to inspire a lot of questions, like, ‘What kind of sandwich?’ And, ‘Who makes and pays for the sandwiches.’ So, hypothetically, we’re going to say; dealer’s choice on the sandwich, and you won’t have to make them, or pay for them. This is the first of two new social programs that are going to bring about a better culture to live in.
I think that fewer hungry people equals fewer HANGRY people, and that’s progress.
If we can take down the asshole count by even one person, that’s a victory.
Besides, children are much cuter when they’re not starving to death.
Step Two: We promote peace.
We’re calling it the ‘Everyone Gets Head’ initiative.
This is the harder step, because what I’m proposing is that people between the ages of 18 and 65 get head. People between the ages of 25 and 45 will just pair off, like Tinder app, and then… Here’s the sticky bit…
We’re going to legalize prostitution to do it.
Now, I heard that emotional kick, and I can assure you that it’s just your fundamentalist upbringing, just power through. Because, I think it would actually be good for us.
Let’s be honest. It’s the world’s oldest profession. FOR A REASON. (There’ll be whores as long as there are johns, and there’ll be johns as long as there are men…) So, let’s give these women access to legal protection and medical care, and put them to work for the good of our country.
Some people are still on the fence, and yeah, there might be a moral issue. But, let’s just try it. And, some people are like ‘is there an order? I can’t eat before I swim, much less this…’
There are bugs. It’s a new program. No worries. We’ll get the kinks worked out…
If you don’t think we’d get more done if everyone had a sandwich and a blow job, that’s fine.
But, I think I can prove you wrong. And, I’d like the chance to try.
The Sandwich and Blowjob Platform can happen! We can Make America Great, for the First Time, ever!
My name is Jane Malone, and I’m running for president.
I'm Jane Malone.