I’ve been thinking about going celibate, but I just bought this stack of Ikea furniture that needs to be assembled, so it looks like I’m going to be dating for at least another month or so…
If any of you are aspiring carpenters… I’m single, and I have a lovely hutch to build in your downtime. Gotta’ have something to do during recovery, right?
I do Tinder, mainly. Because I believe the best relationships are over almost immediately after introduction.
I like Tinder because it’s like Russian roulette, but for your genitals. You never know what you’re going to get. :::gunshot noise:::
And, I like Tinder, because it lets me survey the entire playing field of men I’m probably not going to fuck. I’ll flirt with you, I’ll send you nudes, there’s a shot in hell I’ll even talk dirty with you over the phone. But… Lately, I’ve been harder to get into bed than a four-year-old at nap time.
The problem is: I’m sapiosexual, which means, I’m sexually attracted to intellect. You can see, how in today’s world I’d have a bit of trouble, and Tinder doesn’t exactly help you screen for things like that.
It’s gotten so bad that this is how I’m screening suitors on Tinder. It’s not ‘how tall are you?’ Or even, ‘Do you have any STD’s?’ It’s ‘Are you voting for Flamin’ Hot Hitler?’
Because I’m half-Mexican and they’ll kick me out of the club. We are not allowed to blow Trump supporters.
I gotta’ tell you, on behalf of brown people everywhere, we’re a bit pissed. America is a melting pot. We brought the jalapenos. You love the jalapenos. How dare you! You wouldn’t do this to the Italians! You need pizza for the game, but you can let the Nachos go?
How are you guys going to get drunk in early May? I’ve never met a white girl yet who didn’t love Cinco de Mayo. Putting on a sombrero and ordering Margaritas in style, “Uno mas tequila, por favor!” “Gracias, Senior!”
That’s what my mom sounds like. She’s a little white girl. Super sweet, tone deaf to languages.
I get that you want to build the wall, but… If the Mexicans are out, who is going to build this thing?
Because, I’ve seen white guys on construction sites before, and they’re the best pointers, I’ve ever seen. If we ever need to sell the wall, we’ll get one of you blondes in a slick blue suit. But, the wall is supposed to be made of rebar and concrete, so…
This is awkward…
So, I’m not typically a political comedian. I’m a sex and dick jokes comic, because that’s where my heart truly lies. But, I feel like I’ve got to say something…
WTF is going on with the Trump campaign? I get that it’s a farce, but… All he’s got left are the White Supremacists. And, that’s a dangerous place to be…
Because I think I have an idea to deal with this, I think I’ve unlocked this particular puzzle. It’s unsavory, but…
We’ve got to fight the hate with love.
So, I’m calling on all my Latin, Chicano, Hispanic, and otherwise brown brethren to do what we do best. Let’s love the hate out of those fuckers. Literally.
That’s what they’re afraid of, right? That we’re going to turn all their grandkids taupe?
We’re a charming people. I think we could get this done. In this generation.
I know it’s unsavory. But, you’re doing it for the betterment of the planet. It’s taking one for the team, on a global scale. And, I think we’re fit for the job.
So, if you guys could do me a solid, especially if you’re brown, and go ahead and seduce a white supremacist, I’d really appreciate it.
I'm Jane Malone.