So, I’m typically all sex and dick jokes. But, recently, I was accused of lacking depth. Which is funny for a Sex Jokes girl – If I were shallow, where would you put the penis? There’s no lack of depth here, I swear it.
But, I do get it, at some point I need to branch out, and part of comedy is taking difficult material and making it livable. So, I’ve been trying to sit down and figure out what makes me bleed.
So, my name is Jane, now.
But, I was born Christie Flores, in New Mexico in 1980. You see, we were part of this witness protection program – because my ex-husband went to prison for 11 years when I was 21.
Just like everything in life, the witness protection program has tiers. There’s the federal level, which is what you see on TV, and what I grew up looking at, like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. I had associated it with some oddball glamour – not unlike infamy.
I also thought prostitutes were glamorous, but that’s Julia Robert’s fault, from Pretty Woman. I had some really fucked up ideas from 90s cinema, guys. But, I digress…
And, there’s State level witness protection, which is what we received. It means that they’ll help you prosecute the criminal, and they’ll help you change your name, social security card, and birth certificate. But, if you’re not a high-profile case, they charge you for it.
It’s an expensive undertaking, changing your identity. It was $600 to change my name, $400 to change my social. I’ve done it twice, so ‘Jane Malone’ is actually a $2k name.
I had this idea in my head that they would relocate us, or help us relocate, but you’re really on your own, unless it’s a really important case, and since I didn’t have a real job, we ended up living in my parent’s house. So, I don’t know how effective witness protection is if you live in the same house you grew up in. Even if your driver’s license does have a radically different last name on it.
I mean, our names were different, but my parking space was the same. And, I don’t know how much that really deters a determined killer.
My ex has said that he’s going to slit my throat one day. And, I used to be worried about it – but, as I’ve gotten older I’ve discovered that I’m probably the last person he wants to meet in a darkened alleyway. We have unfinished business – like Kill Bill style unfinished business. Like, I might invest in a yellow track suit, except I know I’m not long and lean like Uma Thurman. I’ll look like a lemon with a racing stripe. Somehow, that’s less intimidating than you might imagine.
He went to prison for Child Molestation, he’s a pedophile.
I’ve been rejected – not just socially, but sexually – by most people on the planet. But that was his thing, especially. Like, he used to reject me sexually all the time. And, when I was married to him, it was hurtful, but in hindsight, it makes sense.
I went through a rough period after it happened, and because I’m fucked up, I thought why a three-year-old more fuckable than I am? This is bullshit. That’s the roughest joke, guys, I swear. We won’t go further than that.
People ask me if I knew, if there were any hints that he might be so inclined. And, I don’t know that I can say I noticed anything weird, except that he used to find Crysta from ‘Fern Gully’ hot. I mean, she was hot.
I never noticed anything odd, really. I mean, he beat me up a couple times.
Like, one time he beat me with the heel of a Doc Marten boot. I wore crescent moon bruises for a week. Like part of the Star Sailors, I was Sailor Moon Bruise.
But, I got married at 17, to a kid I didn’t know very well, because we were pregnant. So, I don’t know why it ended badly…
I'm Jane Malone.