Good evening. I’ve gathered you here today to discuss an interesting epidemic – lack of acceptable and stylish female beards… I have a lot of male friends that do No-Shave November and beard competitions, and I’m always sick jealous. That’s so cool. They get little moustache trophies. And, they don’t have anything like that for women. It’s an effing shame. I’m half-Mexican, so if I rub hard enough, I could grow thick, black hair… on YOU, for example… It’s pretty crazy, but There are no trophies for that kind of thing…
I showered and everything, in preparation for this. I shaved. I’ve got some tattoos, so, I shave pretty much everything from the neck down. It takes a living year. I’m like Forrest Gump mowing a college campus. I need to purchase a riding mower… Staff it out to the landscaping company.
I live in Oregon now, so the landscaping guys are hot. All the guys are hot. I’m from New Mexico, where all the guys are Mexican 5’10”… which is 5’8”. They’re still hot, it’s just scaled to 85%. Like God held the shift key, but dragged from the corner, so the hotness retained its proportionality.
I’m divorced. 18 years, now. So… I don’t want to brag, but I’m getting really good at it. Like all relationships, my divorce is a work in progress. I keep at it. I’m dedicated to being relentlessly single every day, I’m doing my part to repel most men – I’m just naturally good at that, and… I stretch.
There’s not always a winner when a couple divorces. Sometimes, it’s more equal: he gets this bar, she gets this restaurant, one takes the dog, and the other takes the cat and houseplants, you know, to make weight. It’s not always easy to see who won. But, I won. I soooooo fucking won.
He went to prison for 10 years for pedophilia, so I win. Like, you can see how I win. Admittedly, it’s not much of a victory. But, hey, at least I’m not a pedophile!
So, Jane, how do you marry a pedophile, you ask? It’s a mixture of things. Stupidity, youth, gullibility… that and, I love making bad decisions. It’s my thing… Kinda’ my jam…
No, this was before that. This bad decision sets the bar for the rest of my decision making. Actually, it knocks the bar to the floor, and shits on the bar. But, I was young.
I'm Jane Malone.