Hi. I’m Jane… I may not be funny, but at least you’ll get to look at my boobs for about five minutes, so it’s not a total loss. And, when you hear about my tragic death later, you’ll be able to rule out drowning immediately, which is totally a possibility here, in the Pacific Northwest.
I just moved here from Albuquerque, New Mexico a couple months ago. That’s a fucking change! We have no water; you guys are MADE of water. I keep looking for broken pipes everywhere, on the roads, in the house. I fell asleep with the window open, and it rained. I woke up, and couldn’t figure out how water got on my floor. I’m looking for broken pipes everywhere, when I realize there ARE NO pipes in my bedroom. There aren’t pipes in any bedroom. It’s definitely a change. Everything looks like an effing park. I’ve never seen so much grass! You’re all spoiled, is what it is.
Did you know your Zoo doesn’t smell? By the way, typically, zoos are notorious for smelling terrible. I took my kids to visit the Oregon Zoo, and we’re walking the three miles or whatnot, around all the trails and exhibits, and it smells like fucking FLOWERS. Do you know that’s not what zoos smell like? I’m from the desert, where the zoos smell like fresh, exotic animal shit, steaming in the 109-degree heat. I don’t think you guys understand how lucky you are. It’s like the fucking Promised Land, like I wandered in the fucking desert for 35 years, and then made it to a pot-infused, socialist Shangra-la… It’s BIBLICAL. I’m never going home.
I’m a graphic designer by trade, which is good… ‘cause I’d starve to death as a hooker.
I’m extremely awkward, and I have social anxiety, so this is both terrifying and cathartic. I get nervous when I have to buy toilet paper. The checkout guy at my grocery store is hot, so I have to get checked out by the lady, or I can’t buy toilet paper at all.
Men hate me. And, in NM, where they’re all about 4’6”, that doesn’t bother me. Here, where they all look like tattooed, bearded Gods, it’s different. I live next to a man that I call Mr. November. He’s hotter than all the men in NM combined. All the men here are Adonis-like. I could never be faithful, here. And, I thought I’d be exotic or something here, but I’m just as chubby at sea-level as I am in the high desert. It’s bullshit.
I'm Jane Malone.