A reply to the man who asked if he could ‘eat me out all night’ and then
called me a ‘fat bitch’ when I said, ‘no:’
I’ve been called Shamu, Mimi, Shrek, AND Fiona,
Drew Carey, Chris Christie, Adele, AND wide load,
AND Big Bertha, and lard-ass, tubby, chubby, & meaty,
Fleshy, flabby, hefty, weighty, robust, and beefy.
On more than one occasion, I’ve been Rosie O’Donnell,
Porky, zaftig, stout, heavy, and ‘round as a barrel.’
Pudgy, fluffy, whopper, double bubble, and tank.
And, "Ssuuuuuuuuuueeeeee!" Which hurts a bit more than you’d think…
Whale-like, squishy, obese, and bovine -
Solid, burly, paunchy, portly, and elephantine.
I’ve been bacon, jelly-belly, tons of fun, and Crisco Kid,
And, ‘Heavyweight,’ which you’d think would hurt more than it did.
Corn-fed, dough-belly, bulgy, broad as an ox –
And, “Is that a dumpster? No, that’s just Jane’s lunch box!”
They’ve said: extra-large, BBW, big boned, and plus-sized,
Butterball, tub of lard, gob of fat, and five-by-five.
Hungry, hungry Helga, palette ass, husky, beast, blob, and butch –
Roly-poly, pot belly, pleasantly plump, pudge, and munch.
So, after all that, “Fat Bitch” seems easy.
And, yeah, I’m fat, but you’re lazy and sleazy.
I'm Jane Malone.