I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m pretty open with my sexuality.
I’m straight, so that’s the easiest sexuality to be open about, really.
My daughter is gay, though. She came out –in classic form– as weirdly as possible. She came up, and was all fidgety and obviously freaked out.
And, the first thing I noticed about her was that she didn’t look like this: (pantomime teen with phone). If you have kids, then you know. They all look like this now, just hair, and like a small plastic rectangle about five inches from their sweat-covered face.
So, I knew something was up, cause I could see her eyes, which was cool, because I’d forgotten that they’re blue. But she was all nervous and squiggly, so there was definitely something afoot. So, intuitive parent that I am, I said, “Do you have to pee?”
“No… “ She sighed, “I have to tell you something.” She was twisting and dancing in place, like a spaz.
And, I was a pregnant 17-year-old girl once, so I’m pretty sure I went into shock. The whole left side of my body started to tingle, and I could have sworn I was having a coronary, and I had this intense flashback of having to tell my Dad that I was preggy. I got clammy. My mouth was dry. It was very surreal. And, I remember the terror and fear, and the immediate judgement and hatred of bits of my family.
So, I got my bong off the shelf and took a really large hit.
“Okay,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Mom, I’m gay.”
“Okay?” And, I’m obviously confused, because this is not the conversation I thought we were going to be having. So, I took another hit off the bong in celebration.
Then, she said, “That’s not all… I’m not just gay. I’m bisexual. That’s a thing now, Mom.”
That’s a thing now, Mom?
I know that’s a thing! I studied history! I went to an art college! My 15-year-old did not invent bisexuality. Does she think she leads Rome?!
So, I’m indignant about that, but she’s still all weird, so, I look at her, and I’m like… “What’s up?”
“Well, are you okay with that?”
I’d actually prefer to unsubscribe to this particular info chain. I could die a happy woman, secure in her bed, having no knowledge of what my daughter might be doing with her genitals. But, no… I wanted us to be close. I see now how that’s a mistake. If you choose an approachable parenting style, they are going to talk to you about their genitals and genital functions. It’s a trick! Cold and withholding is where it’s at. I could be blissfully oblivious right now.
And, I'm probably the last person on the planet who wants to Bible-thump at you. I don't really care how God feels about homosexuality. Interesting fact: He has two lines against it in the bible, but also says over 1500 times that we are to love our brother. So, if he really felt one way or the other... There's evidence that love would triumph.
But, I said, “Of course. Why would I care?”
She said, “Some parents do.”
And, I said, “No. There’s no way, in 2016, that parents still care.” Because I just want happy children that become well-educated, hard-working, and warm-hearted adults… who are mercifully quiet about their nude shenanigans to their mother.
I'm Jane Malone.