I’ve recently moved to Salem, and I don’t know anyone. So, I decided to install Tinder. WOW. I felt just like Madeline Khan in the History of the World. It was awesome. “Yes, no, no, yes, no, no, yes, no, no, no, no, no, no…” Like that. Decadence.
It’s just face pics, but, if you ask, they’ll totally send dick pics. And, I like a dick pic. I’m a fat kid. I like to know how my dinner is going to be served. But, it’s deceptive. You can have great text and mail chemistry with someone, then have no real life spark at all.
Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that online dating isn’t worth the trouble. I’m a good soldier. When you book a date with me, I show up, showered and shaved, 10 minutes early.
That’s just how I was raised. My dad was Navy, and you had to be on time. Ten minutes early was on time, so anything after that was late. It didn’t matter how late it got, once you were late, you were just screwed.
So, I’ll shave for twenty minutes for a date. Arms, legs, pits, anything that had been tattooed has to be shaved and lotioned. That’s just my life.
And, I thought this guy was something… We’d been flirting and sexting. I totally thought this was going to happen. So, I did my due diligence and shaved the rest of my areas, too. I’m not kidding. It took 45 minutes. I shaved for 45 minutes to eat tacos with a guy that I was never going to sleep with. It’s crazy!
And, I haven’t been completely bald since I was in my 20s. I’d forgotten how much this itches. If the date had gone better, I’d be getting checked out at Planned Parenthood right now. As it stands, I’m dying to drag my taint across the carpet like a dog with worms.
This was a heinous mistake.
I'm Jane Malone.