This is a true story:
I met this guy on Craigslist. Not the sexy side, I was in the market for a removable hard-drive, and he had one for sale. That’s totally not a euphemism, but I did see his dick later.
So… I was fooling around with this guy for a couple months, and – whoops! – I got pregnant. And, I guess that’s why we were in a relationship. It’s not the best reason, but it’s not a new reason.
At about five months into the pregnancy, his best friend gets married. Roger is the Best Man, so we drive to Denver to attend the wedding. It’s awesome, ‘cause they’re stoners, so I called it the ‘weeding.’ But, that’s because I’m an unrelenting dork.
Now, I was pregnant, so our weeding experiences were very different. The night before the weeding, I ordered room service, had a bit of a smoke, a bath, watched Investigation Discovery and went to bed around elevensies.
The limo from the bachelor party dropped him off at 3:40am.
He got to our room, completely effing bombed out of his mind. But, he made it to the room, disrobed, and got into bed.
At 4:30, I was awoken by a blood-curdling scream in the hallway. I shot straight up, my heart racing, just freaked out. It’s completely dark, so I turn on the light, and I’m alone. Roger is gone.
I can hear yelling in the hallway, so I open the door, and there’s Roger; completely naked and covered in vomit. Vomit in his beard, all over his chest, just dripping onto the hallway carpet. He’s got four copies of USA Today under his arm, and a fifth copy is in his hands, bowled out, also collecting vomit.
He is not drunk. He is past drunk, and into blacked-out, vomit-staggering, caveman. It’s awful.
He’d woken up, opened the hallway door thinking it was the bathroom, and staggered out into the hallway, while the door had shut behind him. At some point he started collecting newspapers from the neighbors. The scream I heard came from the neighbor who had caught him puking, naked, bent over onto one of the stolen papers.
I got him into the room before security showed up.
The weeding was in 14 hours.
He threw up 11 times that morning. Then had to stand in the sun for the weeding photos, it was brutal. The groomsmen were obviously on the edge of drunk and hungover, all of them totally worse for the wear.
And, that was the best day of my pregnancy.
I'm Jane Malone.