A reply to the man who asked if he could ‘eat me out all night’ and then
called me a ‘fat bitch’ when I said, ‘no:’
I’ve been called Shamu, Mimi, Shrek, AND Fiona,
Drew Carey, Chris Christie, Adele, AND wide load,
AND Big Bertha, and lard-ass, tubby, chubby, & meaty,
Fleshy, flabby, hefty, weighty, robust, and beefy.
On more than one occasion, I’ve been Rosie O’Donnell,
Porky, zaftig, stout, heavy, and ‘round as a barrel.’
Pudgy, fluffy, whopper, double bubble, and tank.
And, "Ssuuuuuuuuuueeeeee!" Which hurts a bit more than you’d think…
Whale-like, squishy, obese, and bovine -
Solid, burly, paunchy, portly, and elephantine.
I’ve been bacon, jelly-belly, tons of fun, and Crisco Kid,
And, ‘Heavyweight,’ which you’d think would hurt more than it did.
Corn-fed, dough-belly, bulgy, broad as an ox –
And, “Is that a dumpster? No, that’s just Jane’s lunch box!”
They’ve said: extra-large, BBW, big boned, and plus-sized,
Butterball, tub of lard, gob of fat, and five-by-five.
Hungry, hungry Helga, palette ass, husky, beast, blob, and butch –
Roly-poly, pot belly, pleasantly plump, pudge, and munch.
So, after all that, “Fat Bitch” seems easy.
And, yeah, I’m fat, but you’re lazy and sleazy.
I’m lonely, a lot. I mean, I have a lot of time to masturbate. I’m getting good though. I’m thinking I might make State this year. I’m kidding… that’s a young man’s game.
I’m so alone, I don’t even cast a shadow right now.
I’m so lonely; I’m running a small animal shelter out of the back seat of my Toyota. Right now it’s just the one raccoon, but we’re hoping to expand. I have my eye on the neighbor’s dog.
There are a lot of different kinds of fat people, I’m sure you’ve seen Gabriel Iglesias work on the matter. He self-identifies as ‘fluffy.’ It’s different for women. There are still degrees, and I’m at the high-end of the scale, I don’t quite qualify for “dayummmm,” I’m usually between that, and “eh, I’d probably still fuck her.” Which is nice, really, very body affirming. The step down from me is, “She’s got such a pretty face,” then it’s, “Well, you know she can cook,” and then, “I like ‘em a little thick.”
I'm Jane Malone.