Guys, I’m fucking tired.
I don’t know… It’s like an sexistential crisis, only it’s more ‘been there, done YOU.’ All of you… Sigh…
Like, I’ve been dating for twenty years. It feels like I’ve dated every man on the planet. I’ve tried every flavor they make. I know I may not have fucked you, specifically, but I’ve fucked enough men with your body type to have a pretty good idea about your junk without ever having to have seen it.
Let’s call it an educated guess. And, the saddest part is that I’m pretty accurate, like scary accurate.
Like one of those really good police sketch artists, where the guy they caught looks just like the sketch. And, you know his buddies were like, “dude, she even got your freckles right.”
One where you KNOW his mom recognized him. “He always did have that miscut foreskin.”
I’m just fucking tired… Like that Madeline Khan song, from Blazing Saddles:
Sick and tired of love, from below… and above…
I’ve been with thousands of men, again and again…
I’ve decided that I’m going abstinent.
But, I haven’t been fucking anyone for the last five months, anyway, so this change won’t really affect anyone. I’m making it official, though, because it makes me feel like I’ve got control over it, as opposed to what it is:
A timely exit from the dating pool, just as my eighteen-year-old daughter happens to be entering it.
On account of gross, right? That’s no coincidence.
And, It’s not just that I’m biologically obsolete, either, which is fucking charming…
I’m not exactly your typical dating material. Not everyone is into older, chubbier, tattooier, stand-up comics, and I’m definitely a unique sale. Like, I’m nerdy and quirky, but not in a Zooey Deschanel way, more like in a Lizzie Borden.
Someone is probably going to get hit... In the head… With an axe.... Like 40 times...
Like, I think you can tell just by looking at me that I’ve made up a rich back-story for my cat.
So, going celibate is a good decision. I promise, I feel really good about it. I’m just waiting until October 1st, because I really hate the last guy I fucked.
So, I’m taking a minute to find someone and cleanse my palette, so to speak… (That’s the grossest way I could think of to convey that sentiment.)
I’m going out with one last bang before I put it down forever.
One last fuck. Kinda’ like the last supper, but not as many attendees, and not nearly as well catered. It’s just sausage on the menu.
And, I’m taking a lot more care with choosing the last fuck than I ever did giving out the first one, let me tell you.
Because I had so MANY fucks to give at that point. I was 16.
It was a whole new world of dicks… A fresh penised landscape everywhere…
Nothing but opportunity for spiked seating, if you know what I mean…
But, alas, no more.
I have a bit of a beef to address, before I go:
I never found anyone, it didn’t happen for me.
So, ladies, this is to you. If you did happen to find a great man, and you’ve been with him for a while, could you please do me a solid and fuck him? I can’t handle how many really awesome married men go without. I’d totally donate $.35 per day to this cause. It’s very near and dear to my heart. Cue the music…
I will fellatiate you…
If you will fuck choke me…
I’m not going to fuck your man, I promise. But, YOU definitely should.
Life is hard. So should be dick, you guys...
I'm Jane Malone.